Excerpt from "Mindfulness-based Grief Therapy" chapter by Heather Stang
In The Handbook Of Grief Therapies (Steffen, Milman, & Neimeyer 2023)
The techniques in Module 7 help the student adjust to the internal, external and
spiritual changes triggered by the death and address the roles that awareness, resistance
and acceptance play in adapting to life after loss (Worden, 2018).
Resistance to change is a protective response, but denying reality usually leads
to more distress. Vipassana teacher Young (2011) puts it this way: Suffering = Pain x
Resistance. Fighting against reality is delusion, one of the three root causes of suffering
in Buddhist psychology.
A remedy is to notice the suffering that delusion is causing and to view reality
through the lens of self-compassion, which leads to mindful acceptance. Though bittersweet,
this can be liberating. As with all things mindful, it cannot be rushed.
One way to loosen the hook of resistance to change is exploring the concept of
‘I am’ as a koan (a paradox), meaning to question without an answer. Whether in silent
meditation, in their journal, or in dyads, students repeatedly complete the phrase
‘I am___’ with whatever comes to mind, even if it does not make sense. This expands
the idea of self from a fixed concept to a limitless one, and it makes room for the
capital Self (I am compassion, awareness, love, etc.) and a lower case self (I am a nurse,
a gardener, etc.) (Stang, 2018, 2021).